Very early in my career (I was 20, just straddling “tech support” and web work) I found myself onsite at a client’s office.
I was sexually harassed by a staffer there: while I set up their Novell network, they speculated on the phone about how I’d be in bed.
My first job, no one else in the client’s office, and my boss said it was “finish the job or don’t get paid.”
When I needed to run cables, they refused to move from their desk. Said they didn’t mind me “between their legs.” I waited them out.
When I’d arrive back at my office, they’d have left notes in my jacket pockets. Phone number, etc.
Told my boss I was really uncomfortable — he laughed and said I should enjoy the attention. “Don’t you think she’s cute?”
Guys I knew couldn’t help me figure this out. “Is she hot” was the primary question. MRAs only input was “she’ll try to say you raped her.”
Fellow Christians didn’t offer any advice beyond the story of Joseph and Potiphar’s Wife. Bizarre, unhelpful, doomed.
Had I been too friendly? When I acted like it was just a joke and tried to laugh it off, was I saying I was OK with it? I didn’t know.
I just knew that I felt squicked out and demeaned, but guys I knew acted like a normal man would treat it as a compliment.
It took me a few years to realize that my experience — thankfully brief, and without any crossing of physical boundaries — was so common.
I realized feminists had spent generations deconstructing the patterns of this kind of harassment, articulating why it was unacceptable.
I owe them a huge debt for helping me understand & articulate that—and showing me how fortunate I was to be able to leave that environment.
Whenever I hear dudes say that feminism is anti-male, that sexual harassment or assault accusations are a play for attention, whatever…
I remember that week. And I remember all the backchannel conversations with friends and colleagues who’ve endured similar shit since then.
Hell, I consider myself LUCKY. I have friends who were sexually assaulted by co-workers, then had to work alongside them.
The very least we can do is to listen. Believe them. Ostracize & boycott abusers. Value victims’ lives more than abusers’ reputations.